ANNIVERSARY GIFT

Henry forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really ticked
off at him. She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift
in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in under 6 seconds, AND IT
BETTER BE THERE."

The next morning, Henry got up really early. When his wife woke up
couple of hours later, she looked out the window, and sure enough,
there was a small gift-wrapped box sitting in the middle of the
driveway.

Confused then, Sharon put on her robe, ran out to the driveway and
took the box into the house. She opened it, and found a brand new
bathroom scale.

Henry is not yet well enough to have visitors.

Landlords

A young woman, pursuing a graduate degree in art history, was going to Italy to study the country's greatest works of art. Since there was no one to look after her grandmother while she was away, she took the old lady with her. At the Sistine Chapel in the Vatican, she pointed to the painting on the ceiling.

"Grandma, it took Michelangelo a full four years to get that ceiling painted."

"Oh my, "the grandmother says. "He and I must have the same landlord."

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look tired, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."

How many times?

After buying her kids a pet hamster, after they PROMISED they would take care of it, Mom, as usual, ended up with the responsibility.

One evening, exasperated, she asked them, "How many times do you think that hamster would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

After a moment, her youngest son replied quizzically, "Once?"

Arguing

The other day, Nancy and I got into some petty argument. (I say it was petty. She would have said it was Armageddon.) As is our nature, neither of us would admit the possibility that we might be in error.

To her credit, Nancy finally said, "Look. I'll tell you what. I'll admit I'm wrong if you admit I was right."

"Fine." I said.

She took a deep breath, looked me in the eye and said, "I'm wrong."

I grinned and replied, "You're right."

Eat Dirt!

A vacuum cleaner salesman is making his rounds through the neighborhood and knocks on the door of a single mom who tells him to go away because she is broke and could certainly not afford his fancy vacuum cleaner.

She starts to shut the door on him but he wedges his foot in the door and pushes it wide open. Before our mom tells him how rude he is and is able to retrieve her can of pepper spray, our determined vacuum cleaner salesman has emptied a bag of dirt, cigarette ashes and something that looks a lot like cow manure all over the hallway carpeting and excitedly exclaims, "If I cannot get out every last bit of this mess with the BigSuck 2000, I'll eat whatever is left."

The mother of four just shakes her head and says, "Let me get you a fork, 'cause they just shut off my electricity this morning!"

You have to see this

Click here for a funny video.